Today the FBI announced they are targeting a new suspect in the infamous DB Cooper airplane hijacking.

If you're unaware of this tale, basically a guy in a suit bought a ticket to Seattle. During his trip he slipped a note to a stewardist who originally thought it was his number so she crumbled it and put it in her purse. He told her to check it out because, well, he had a bomb.

After telling her his demands the plane landed in Seattle. He traded the passenger for some of the demanded items, including 4 parachutes, $200,000 in unmarked $20 bills, and fuel. He ordered that the staff stay with him and the plane fly to Mexico.

The plane took off and DB ordered everyone to the front cabin. Shortly thereafter, the crew noticed the aft stairs had been lowered. When they landed, the FBI surrounded the plane and rushed inside. DB Cooper was gone.

He had jumped from the plane in the pouring rain towards a mountaineous region just south of Seattle. He would never be found. However, some years later a man found an aft stairs instructional placard from the flight in the woods and a young boy found $5,800 of the ransom money some 9 years later.

Despite these leads, and multiple confessions from different "suspects", the true identity of Dan "DB" Cooper has never been discovered.

But here's what I think happened to DB Cooper;

DB jumped alot later than everyone thought he did. At 8:00pm the aft stairs were lowered by Cooper and they think that at 8:13pm, when the flight experienced a sudden upward movement, he jumped. However, I believe DB threw some money out of the plane and made a motion like he had jumped to throw off the timing of the investigation that would follow.

DB stayed on until somewhere in the radius of Carson City, Nevada and jumped without causing any further upkicks in movement of the aircraft. He landed rough in the desert and decided he needed to find the nearest hospital. After walking for miles and miles, carrying the big bag of cash he began to see things because of the large amount of blood loss from his leg wound. He stumbled upon an old rickety shack with a gas pump outside. He misread the sign out front that read "GOT TO HELL" and decided it said "OUT TO HELP."

He knocked on the door three times before trying the door handle. It was unlocked and he scampered inside. Blood dripped on the musty old wood floors that creaked beneath his feet. He fell on an old torn up couch and passed out.

Cooper awoke later, chained to a chair, with a gag strapped around his head. He sat next to a large bald black man who was also gagged. There is a man staring at them, he tells them don't worry, he'll be here soon. DB knew he was in trouble. Suddenly, a police officer walks down a flight of stairs into the basement with them. The two men converse for a moment before the police officer sits down in front of DB and his cell mate. "Who's it gonna be?" he asks. "We'll let fate decide... Eenie, meenie, miney, mo..." When the cop finished he chose the other guy.

The cop and the guy drug the man into another room where they closed the door, but not before letting a man in a black leather body suit out of a cage to watch DB. Cooper could hear the black man scream, and it was not because he got his steak was not well done.

DB knew he had to get out of there. He wiggled out of the chains, grabbed a large samurai knife that was conveniently placed near his chair, and slashed the motherf*cker in half. He was about to split when he thought that regardless of how bad he wants to be free, he could never live with having another man's ripped up anus on his conscience. So he kicked down the door and slashed those bastards, too.

THE END.

Well, okay, so that was a part from Pulp Fiction. But even if it is "Fiction", its about as good as what the FBI has!

 Come one! Come all! Step right up and behold the most outrageous, asinine, and odd news from the past week (or so).  Each week we will highlight several strange stories from across the globe with commentary for your reading pleasure. So hide your kids because the The Monday Bizarre is about to begin!

Here at DYHP, I receive a lot of letters from fans asking for advice on the happenings in their respective lives.  Of course, while I am not a psychoanalyst, I do my best to offer sound, informative information that will help my fans get through their ordeal in the most responsible and cordial way.

My assistant Lionel (pictured to the right), spends long hours prossesing all the fan/hate mail we receive so that we can put this blog up for you once a week.  All he asks in return is that I post a "personnel ad" as he pronounces it for him on the site. So here goes: Lionel enjoys chess, backgammon, drinking, Fresh Prince of Bel Air, BET, Ice Hockey, monster trucks, drinking, and pole vaulting. He is looking for a forever companion and is open to being with someone who is bi-curious. You can reach lionel at willsmithaintgotshitonme@mailroom.com.

Anyway, on to the letters!

Lyrics

In case you haven't heard, today we released my Don't You Hate Pants debut single "They Say Love is for the Dreamers" on the music channel.

I'm asking all of my faithful followers to take a few minutes and give it a listen and let me know what you think of it.

The song is essientally an acoustic session and, believe it or not, it took several weeks to write, record, and produce. 

In the coming months you will be treated (or mistreated) to more original music, podcasts, and other soundbites from the ToneDeaf A/V Club. So go ahead and bookmark us, tell all your friends about us, and don't forget to leave some comments!

Bye for now!

Lyrics