So you just adopted a new cat from the SPCA and you can't ditch this terrible feeling that it wants you dead. I made a helpfull chart with all the warning signs, so you can tell if your new adopted family member loves the taste of human flesh.

The #1 sign is a love of Huey Lewis & The News

Tone’s off doing guest blogs, discovering new species in the rain forest, and curing diseases in third world countries. So I’m filling in until he gets back. This week I help a reader steal, prepare you for the zombie apocalypse, figure out the legality of a backyard cemetery, talk about my cat, and I even help a man with his life or death lunch decision.

Gir does does not understand mail tampering laws.

You've got questions, I've got answers. (crap I think that's already taken..)

Welcome back to another Friday fix of ironic humor and stereotypical nonsense. Today we discuss catnip addictions, being attacked by bananas, backward-stalking, pigs and meat, and how to get to Mexico without a passport. Of course, you might have to ride next to Miguel and Julio here...  but ya gotta take the good with the bad I guess...

And Lindsay Lohan checks in as our Photo of the Week.. a must see!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN to all my pantless pals out there! As we enter this ghoulish weekend, I answer your questions on everything from moms and sexy costumes to 3 balls and Robitussin. Plus we see the return of the (not so) REAL PHOTO OF THE WEEK!

Squeeze into that costume and enjoy...

On this week's LETTERS we discuss women's underwear, slurring when you're drunk, why birds fly south for the winter, hitting on your crush while they're at work, and take a look at a couple EPIC FAILS! 

You'll want to see these...

Today we find out how to get your husband back in the saddle, if I would've survived with the Chilean miners, if Thanksgiving is a good time to come out of the closet, if 73 is the new 45, and how many cats is TOO many?

Is this a pic of the 33 Chilean miners or the employee list for Landscape Escape, the world leader in landscaping and tree removal? Your guess...

And we get another applicant for our vacant mail sorter position... and finally it's someone well spoken... homeless... but well spoken!

This week we begin our search for the successor to the long-forgotten Lionel. That ratt bastard left me without an assistant to sort through the mail and give me occasional rub downs when I'm stressed.

So I've reviewed some candidates and will begin welcoming your feedback on who should be the next "AMERICAN LIONEL". I thought of that all by myself.

Oh, and we answer your questions too! Come inside and see why this newlywed can't get his mother out of the bed!

I'll tell you how to get lucky like this guy and reveal the secret of making bombs out of soap. Also, meet the world's most famous hermaphrodite. All inside..

My friend Traci has a cat named Gir.

This is Gir's "guy".

Traci bought this little toy for Gir when he was just a kitten. He sports a Christmas hat because Gir was a Christmas present from her tubby hubby, Justin. Gir, also, has quite an amorous attitude towards me, as I was his keeper for the week and a half before Christmas Day, while Justin waited to give Gir to Traci.

Gir's relationship with his guy is, shall we say, unique.

The French are building an secret army to take over the world....

an army....

OF CATS!

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Step one is bipedal movement... Step two: Weapons and ammunition training.

 The next time you cannot find your cat, think twice before you just dismiss it as their usual independent irrelevance to our daily lives. They may be French spy bent on your destruction!

Seriously though, cat. Stop. That's creepy.