We all have grand dreams as children. Some of us wanted to be doctors, firefighters, or even werewolves (hey I'm not judging your dumb dream to be "doctors"). But my biggest dream growing up was to own a gorilla, though not as a pet, but as a best friend. This wouldn't be any old gorilla either. My new best gorilla friend would know sign language, and he could assist me in solving crimes in our detective agency, which we'll start together. Lucky for me I think I can finally make that dream a reality.
War is an ugly part of human nature, and shows no sign of leaving anytime soon. So, our brightest minds and thinkers must constantly create and design the next big weapon to take our enemies out, and ensure victory. There have been many attempts to lessen the bloodshed with non-lethal weapons. Yet, non have proven as successful as hoped. Tasers, beanbags, and all the rest have been torn apart and still dubbed too aggressive. Until the world finds the magic bullet that incapacitates, instead of kills, mankind will keep looking. With that said, I have an idea.
As my contribution to defend the good old US of A, I hereby submit this video as proof of concept for my weapon.
That's right, a bona fide kitten cannon. Like bags of plague rats thrown in to cities to weaken the populace, I've found a more humane answer. Their is naught a human alive who can resist the cute and adorable nature of a kitten. We fling a couple hundred of these furry little guys into the enemy ranks and they'll be too incapacitated by cuteness to fight. Either that or they'll start fighting each other to solve who gets to take Mr. Whiskers home. Either way, we win. So, breathe easy America, we've got the next couple of wars on lock, thanks to my invention. Now, who gets my address to deliver my Nobel Peace Prize for War... that's a category, isn't it?
Recently it's come to my attention that we're on the brink of an apocalypse. According to Ray Judgement Day (Terminator or Biblical) could be as soon as Saturday. This leaves us all with such little time to do some last minute activities. So to help save time I've created a list of ten things you need to do before the World ends.
I was in the jungle when I saw King Kong.
That huge gorilla sure is strong!
Eating a banana, he throws the peel
For such a large creature that's a small meal
There he stood with a scowl on his face
Yelling as if he owned the whole place
Suddenly I look and there is a girl
She was not attractive, I wanted to hurl.
According to this goofy calendar we have in the kitchen, Sunday, February 27th was National Polar Bear Day. I thought that a day of this caliber needed a little reflection. Some time to really think about what polar bears have done in our lives, for all human kind. So, I present to you now... Great Moments in Polar Bear History...
Stardate 8008.5 ... I wish I had some space salmon...
This week I give agricultural advice, answer the big questions about time and space, learn a new language, help a father connect with his son, and help a wife deal with her lying husband. So come along and get your learn on, because we've got knowledge aplenty for your brain!
I hate tiny little yapper type dogs. They're usually weird looking and serve no purpose other being too loud and pooping in your girlfriend's purse, because she HAD to show off "Shnookums" to her friends at the book club. That's what she gets for adopting a house trained squirrel, a poo purse. Tiny dogs are useless. They fall into the Companion genre of the dog world, the others being guard dogs, hunting dogs, herding dogs, and working dogs. It's the WORST category to be in. It's like going to college and saying you're a Liberal Arts major. No one cares.
Welcome back to the working week, dear readers. This week, we delve into the world of comics, and I highlight some of the oddest superheroes ever created, all because of The Cape. After watching the pilot for the new NBC show Sunday night, I was inpisred to do a little reading into the character and such. As is always the case with those types of nights, I let the Internet and Wikipedia grab hold of me. Two hours later, I'm staring at these three extremely odd heroes, that are pretty damn useless, if you ask me. So, let's take a look at what comic book writers whip at 2am the night before a deadline.
If your superpower is also wielded by
6 year olds on Independence Day,
you are NOT a superhero!
Every week I'm going to talk about something I hate, something that's overrated, or something that just flat out sucks. This week we discuss TV dinners. They're the bland microwavable let downs in a box. Every TV dinner is a single serving. That means when you're eating a TV dinner, you're usually alone and sad. Everyone who ever committed suicide probably ate a TV dinner alone before deciding to end it all with a gun.
But a rise in suicides due to 'Lean Cuisines' aren't the only reason TV dinners suck.