The beginning of my plan is simple. I'm an adult and I earn an income. I'll simply take that income, and entrench myself in the cesspool that is, the international black market. This is where I'll meet countless con-artists and criminals, until I finally get a real connection to an exotic animals dealer. After he and I have a gun standoff, establishing that neither of us are "Feds", we make with a hasty exchange of currency for primate, and the deal is done. I will become the proud owner of, and friend to, a giant gorilla.
Once I have my new gorilla I need a name for him. I think Gordon is fitting. It suits him quite well. But Gordon is less of a pet and more of a friend, a companion, and soon a crime fighter.
I plan to hire someone to teach me sign-language. Then I can teach the gorilla sign-language. Allowing us to communicate on a deeper level, something you can't do that with a dog or cat. And like a bad parent with a deaf toddler, I plan to teach him tons of curse words in sign-language. He'll have the foulest mouth (well hands) of any gorilla before him.
Now that Gordon knows sign-language, and more importantly curse words, he and I are ready to open our very own detective agency. We'll solve crimes, save damsels in distress, and wear matching trench-coats. It'll be just like "Turner and Hooch" but instead of a dog, my partner will be a mountain gorilla, with the strength of ten angry Brian Urlachers.
Gordon and I will be lose cannons and frequently, we'll be in hot water with our Lieutenant, over our reckless way of solving high profile cases.
Lieutenant: "I can't believe you two! What were you thinking blowing up an entire city block? I have should have you and your monkey kicked off the force!"
Me: "He's a gorilla sir."
Lieutenant: "What did you just say rookie?"
Me: "I said he's not a monkey sir, he's a gorilla, they're different"
Lieutenant: "What did that monkey just say?"
Me: "You don't wanna know sir, he's got quite the mouth on him"
Lieutenant: "That's it, you're both suspended, indefinitely!"
Me: "Gordon, that's not the language we use to talk about the Lieutenant's wife."
The Lieutenant will then jump over his desk to attack Gordon. Sadly he underestimates a gorilla's upper body strength and Gordon tosses him through a window. We're then each immediately promoted to co-lieutenants.
Now I know Disney reads my articles on a weekly basis, and they're already thinking about stealing my idea, and turning it into a movie. Since it's basically inevitable, I've prepared a list of demands for Disney, once they plagiarize my dreams.
1- In the movie, my part must be played by Brendan Frasier. It just makes sense.
2- The role of the gorilla must be played by the other guy from "Two and a Half Men". Not Charlie Sheen but the other guy. He'll have to wear a gorilla suit the whole movie. I don't wanna see any CGI monkeys in my movie. This isn't a crappy King Kong remake.
3- The movie has to be titled "My 800 lb Gorilla and Me", it just makes sense.
4- Megan Fox should play the role of the wealthy, attractive, yet distant love interest. She'll be new to the force and she Is tough as nails. One day she finally let's her guard down after Gordon and Brendan save her life. The movie ends with her and the gorilla getting married in a beautiful ceremony where my character exclaims, "you be good to him, you hear?", it will be a tearful yet happy ending.
5- I get 95% of the profits made from ticket and DVD sales because I basically wrote the entire movie for you just now.