Let's start with "LEAVE ME ALONE"
VERDICT: Guilty
WHY IT'S BAD: Trouble is, when you routinely tell your kids, "Don't bother me" or "I'm busy," they internalize that message, says Suzette Haden Elgin, Ph.D., founder of the Ozark Center for Language Studies, in Huntsville, Arkansas.
"They begin to think there's no point in talking to you because you're always brushing them off." If you set up that pattern when your children are small, then they may be less likely to tell you things as they get older.
MY TAKE: I say this wayyy to often, especially to my 4 year old daughter who CONSTANTLY needs to have the approval of her parents. Of course, when you hear "Daddy!" yelled out 47 times in a row because she wants to watch Imagination Movers, you may insert "the" and a special four letter word between "me" and "alone."
"YOU'RE SO..."
VERDICT: Guilty
WHY IT'S BAD: Labels are shortcuts that shortchange kids: "Why are you so mean to Katie?" Or "How could you be such a klutz?" Sometimes kids overhear us talking to others: "She's my shy one."
Young children believe what they hear without question, even when it's about themselves. So negative labels can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
MY TAKE: I think they have it all wrong. When I tell my son "You're such a fruit!", I tell him that because he is wearing my daughter's dress and ruby red slippers. I'm not labeling him, I'm simpling calling it as I see it!
You should also never tell your child "You're so.... TASTY!"
"DON'T CRY"
VERDICT: Guilty
WHY IT'S BAD: Variations: "Don't be sad." "Don't be a baby." "Now, now -- there's no reason to be afraid." But kids do get upset enough to cry, especially toddlers, who can't always articulate their feelings with words. They do get sad. They do get frightened.
"It's natural to want to protect a child from such feelings," says Debbie Glasser, Ph.D., director of Family Support Services at the Mailman Segal Institute for Early Childhood Studies at Nova Southeastern University, in Fort Lauderdale. "But saying 'Don't be' doesn't make a child feel better, and it also can send the message that his emotions aren't valid -- that it's not okay to be sad or scared."
MY TAKE: Yup, I think I do this one more than any other one. Of course, mine are more along the lines of "What the hell's the matter with you?" or "Are you crazy?" These tidbits usually follow some kind of emotional outburst from being tricked out of a toy or dropping a beverage on the floor.
"WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE YOUR SISTER?"
VERDICT: Guilty
WHY IT'S BAD: It might seem helpful to hold out a sibling or friend as a shining example. "Look how well Sam zips his coat," you might say. Or "Jenna's using the potty already, so why can't you do that too?" But comparisons almost always backfire. Your child is herself, not Sam or Jenna.
It's natural for parents to compare their kids, to look for a frame of reference about their milestones or their behavior, say experts.
But don't let your child hear you doing it. Kids develop at their own pace and have their own temperament and personality. Comparing your child to someone else implies that you wish yours were different.
MY TAKE: I just did this over the weekend. My son AJ, 2, has made tremendous strides learning to swim. This weekend he began jumping into the pool belly-splash style with no fear of the stinging waters below. Time after time he jumped in like he was a fat kid and there was a cake-eating contest under the 4 foot marker. My daughter, on the other hand, refuses to jump in. As a matter of fact, she JUST started dunking her head underwater on her own, and she is 4!
So I said "Look at AJ, he jumps in no problem, and he's fine... sorta. Why won't you jump in?"
Whatever you do, don't say "Why can't you be more like your father?"... case and point...
"YOU KNOW BETTER THAN THAT!"
VERDICT: Guilty
WHY IT'S BAD: Give your child the benefit of the doubt, and be specific. Say "I like it better if you do it this way, thank you."
Similar jabs include "I can't believe you did that!" and "It's about time!" They may not seem awful, but you don't want to say them too much. They add up, and the underlying message kids hear is: "You're a pain in the neck, and you never do anything right."
MY TAKE: I recant my previous statement... I have done THIS one the most! "I can't freakin' believe you pooped and let your brother play in it! You know better than that! And hey, clean that shit off the walls, where do you think we live, Kenya?"
"Stop or I'll give you something to cry about!"
VERDICT: Guilty
WHY IT'S BAD: Threats, usually the result of parental frustration, are rarely effective. We sputter warnings like "Do this or else!" or "If you do that one more time, I'll spank you!"
The problem is that sooner or later you have to make good on the threat or else it loses its power. Threats of hitting have been found to lead to more spanking -- which itself has been proven to be an ineffective way to change behavior.
MY TAKE: I beg to differ. While I was never the victim of beatings I was around kids who were and let me tell you, they were well behaved. They're all in jail now, but boy oh boy, they were the kindest little kids you'd ever meet. As for my kids, I'm usually all talk, except for the one time Morgan punched me in the balls. After a half hour riving in pain, I put her in a sharpshooter until she tapped out. OK, until mommy threatened to take away sex.
"Wait til Daddy gets home!"
VERDICT: Not Guilty
WHY IT'S BAD: This familiar parenting cliché is not only another kind of threat, it's also diluted discipline. To be effective, you need to take care of a situation immediately yourself.
Discipline that's postponed doesn't connect the consequences with your child's actions. By the time the other parent gets home, it's likely that your child will actually have forgotten what she did wrong. Alternately, the agony of anticipating a punishment may be worse than what the original crime deserved.
Passing the buck to someone else also undermines your authority. "Why should I listen to Mom if she's not going to do anything anyway?" your child may reason. Not least, you're putting your partner in an undeserved bad-cop role.
MY TAKE: On second thought, I might have said this one time after awaking from a dream where I was the catcher and I'm not talking about catching for the Red Sox.
"HURRY UP!"
VERDICT: Guilty
WHY IT'S BAD: "It got so hectic at my house in the mornings, I hated that the last image my kids had of me was being angry," says family therapist Paul Coleman, author of "How to Say It to Your Kids." "So I made a pact with myself. No matter what, I wouldn't yell or roll my eyes even if someone spilled their Cheerios or asked me to find something just as we were heading out."
Rather than hectoring ("I told you to turn off that TV five minutes ago!"), he looks for calm ways to speed things along (he turns off the set himself).
MY TAKE: You damn right. What parent has time to cater to a little one when they have precious minutes in the morning to get up and GO. I know I don't. My kids also happen to be slow movers in the morning so my rants can tend to be a little harsh. For instance, this morning I said "AJ, you better get your ass moving boy or I'm gonna tell all your friends you have cuties." Take that, parenting 101!
"Good job!" or "Good girl/boy!"
VERDICT: Guilty
WHY IT'S BAD: What could possibly be wrong with praise? Positive reinforcement, after all, is one of the most effective tools a parent has. The trouble comes in when the praise is vague and indiscriminate.
Tossing out "Great job!" for every little thing your child does -- from finishing his milk to drawing a picture -- becomes meaningless. Kids tune it out. They can also tell the difference between praise for doing something rote or simple and praise for a real effort.
MY TAKE: Hey, there is no freakin' way I'm not going to give my kid a high five if they learn to, let's say, fart on command. Or maybe they act out the deer head scene from the Godfather. Or perhaps they play concerto number 2 for violins and flutes by Johan Sebastian Bach. Damn right I'm gonna tell them good job, then I'll ask them to grab me a beer.
"HEY! That's my Bud!"
