[WARNING: Justin is not a bear expert. In fact he knows very little about bears. He slept through most of science class and almost everything he does know about bears was learned through old cartoons and some various nature shows. Don't You Hate Pants does not condone anything said in this article. If you or any of your family members die in a bear related incident as a result of this column we shall not be held responsible.]
Bear Attack Tip #1: Know Your Enemy
Last year I was named the "leading bear expert of this or any generation", by Time magazine. Bear Fancy Magazine said, "if there's one person you want to listen to in the event of a bear attack, it's Justin". So I feel like I have a responsibility to guide you through your future bear endeavors. And I want you to know bears, the way I know bears. Because if your ever going to defeat an enemy you have to know them on a personal level. You'll have to know what they eat, crawl into a dark cave to watch them sleep, and dress up like bear to see how they mate. I've done all those things, and more. That's how I have so much intel on bears. I know that they wear shirts and ties but they don't wear pants (bears hate pants). Bears love honey and picnic baskets but they hate park rangers. They'll usually travel with a sidekick, whether it's another smaller bear, or a flamboyant tiger. These are all attributes you can use against your bear foe in the event of a future attack.
Bear Attack Tip #2: Run Fast
I know that most of you are thinking, "Hey, I only see black bears around, and they would never hurt me because they only eat salmon and they're slow dimwitted animals, with adorable faces. It's not like we have to worry about polar bears or anything". Well you sir are a racist. Black bears, while adorable, are not slow or dimwitted. They are vicious killers. If you try to confront them in the middle of a picnic basket heist they will not hesitate to murder you and everyone you know in some sort of bear revenge killing. And God help you if you snitch on a black bear because they won't rest until you're a dead man. Now I'm not saying that black bears are just as dangerous as their polar bear cousins but they are faster and better at sports then their northern family members. So you better have your running shoes on if you see one.
Bear Attack Tip #3: Don't Fall for Bear Traps
When fleeing an angry bear it's prudent to climb the nearest tree, because everyone knows bears can't climb trees, due to their lack of special climbing shoes. But don't be lulled into a false sense of security while your perched high above the forest. A bear will resort to any means necessary to lure you out of your safe haven. One way is the art of camouflage. The bear, like the chameleon, uses different disguises in a cunning attempt to fool you. They'll often dress in drag and pretend to be a beautiful women coming to your rescue. And just when you feel safe and you go in for that warm embrace, Bam! You're dinner. But don't feel bad. Many men have been duped with the old "Bear looks like a lady" trick before and it's one of the many reasons bears are called "Natures con-artist". Just remember that anyone in your camp could easily be a bear in disguise, so stay vigilant.
Bear Attack Tip #4: Lawyer Up
Bears may have a very remedial understanding of the English language but they are not above the law, unless they're Canadian, then they have diplomatic immunity. If a bear accosts you then you have every right to bring full legal action against said bear. They can't continue to just wonder around the woods assaulting innocent people without any legal ramifications. You need to teach that bear a lesson, by suing the pants off him (even if they don't wear pants). And if a bear has viciously attacked you then you need to find a lawyer who has successfully sued a bear in the past. That's where the law offices of J & J Consultants come in. Whether you've sustained injuries that are keeping you out of work, or mental anguish that has damaged your ability to interact with bears in the future, J & J will get you the money you're entitled to. Don't let the bears win.
Bear Attack Tip #5: Burn Their House Down
Sometimes you don't always come out on top of a court ruling. Bears have been known to get away with murder in some states. But that doesn't mean you can't have the last laugh. Just simply go to their very flammable living quarters and set the whole place ablaze. Burn the whole forest to ground if that's what it takes to prove your point. Smoky the Bear said it best "Only you can prevent forest fires", so if you're the only one to prevent a forest fire, who the hell is going to stop you from starting one? I'll tell you one thing it won't be a stupid bear...
Oh my God! I forgot about bears on Segways! My plan is useless against them. They've mastered our technology and they're out for revenge. Save yourselves!
