There were many a great man who contributed to the Declaration of Independence, put forth to the Colonies on this day in 1776, thus telling the British to "Suck it." I submit the greatest of them all was one, Dr. Benjamin Franklin. Yes, George Washington was our military leader and lead the Colonial Army to victory, and the Adams family did have their hand in almost all facets of the process, whether it was Samuel or John, but Ben took the cake. He was an entrepreneur, inventor, scientist, politician, and father. One man... all kinds of awesome... and here are 6 reason's why.
If it weren't for Ben Franklin your house would BURN TO THE GROUND!
It's true. Ben Franklin was the man who founded the Union Fire Company, America's first volunteer fire company, right here in Philadelphia. Having most homes made of wood at the time, Philadelphia was prone to fires from the unsafe wooden fireplaces used to heat homes. Franklin created the first organized fire fighting force to deal with the fires that would spring up in the city. quickly and safely. He then also invented the potbellied Franklin Stove, which more efficiently radiated, and controlled heat, thus using less wood, while providing more heat, keeping more homes from lighting up in the first place.
Ben was 2 months away from inventing this, if the Revolution hadn't started.
Ben invented the crap out stuff
Ben Franklin was one of the most innovative men who ever lived. In addition to the Franklin Stove, he also created bifocals, the lightening rod, and countless other inventions. Bifocals were needed because he was so tired of taking off his glasses to see normally, then putting them on again to read. In another attempt to prevent the wooden homes of Philly to stop being all "on fire and stuff", Franklin invented the lightning rod, which would focus the electricity from lightning into a wire that lead to the ground, instead of your very "fire ready" house. He would later throw his lightning rod on a kite and fly it in a storm to discover the electrical properties of lightning. For most humans, this is crazy, but being a man of science, Ben probably discovered power of invincibility, and just forget to tell us because he was so busy being so awesome.
Franklin screwed the British with stamps
Being a man who loved to spread knowledge, Franklin not only contributed to the world of print in his early life as a printer, he would eventually be responsible for getting those ideas to the people, as the nation's Post Master General. In order to properly find the quickest route to each city and street, Franklin had to, again, invent something. The automatic odometer, to keep track of how far, and long, certain routes would take. After casually inventing something, he then reinvested his yearly pay for 3 years, to improve the Office. Eventually, the Post Office made 3 times as much as the Post Office of Ireland, a highly profitable asset of the British then. The Post Office paid Franklin back, and never gave a pound to the Crown.
Ben could drink you under the table
Ben Franklin was known as a partier, even in his 70's while part of the Continental Congress. He wasn't one of those stuffy lawyers and judges with the white wigs, Big Ben knew how to throw 'em back and have a good time. It's rumored that when the Continental Congress was meeting in secret to draft the Declaration, someone had to escort Franklin to and from lunch to make sure he didn't get too inebriated and spill the beans on their plans and ideas, to all the honies Franklin could pull in just his lunch hour alone.
Finally, with these bi-focals I can identify the grenades
and send their ugly asses to John Adam's room.
Franklin made France cool, at least for a little bit
After we declared our Independence from Britain, Ben Franklin wasted no time in procuring allies. Knowing our new found nation had only cobbled together militias in each state, and a sad excuse for a Navy, Franklin went to the only folk who hated the British more than us, the French. Using his expert skills of oration, and I'm sure some wine, Franklin persuaded the French to ally with us and with their help on land and sea, we kicked the British right in the bollocks and sent them packing across the pond. This is, to date, France's only War win... ever.
Ben REALLY loved America
In what probably resulted from too much partying, at 24, Ben Franklin fathered an illegitimate son, named William. William was not a bastard to be shunned, and had good childhood with his father. Once an adult, using his father's intelligence and guidance, no doubt, William would become the Governor of New Jersey, during the time of the Revolution. This, you would think, bodes well for our Independence minded father, but alas, his son was a bastard after all. William was a Loyalist to the crown, not believing in his father's cause for freeing the nation. This rift would cause father and son to constantly butt heads and ultimately result in them never speaking again. Being on the losing side, William would defect to Britain never to be heard from again. In short, Franklin disowned his son for not loving America.
Hi, I'm a douche...
So, while you're eating your hotdogs and burgers, remember that the great Ben Franklin could drink like no one's busniess, helped us to see the way with bifocals, keep us warm and safe with his stove, and loved America more than his bastard, Crown loving son. Enjoy your holiday and be safe, dear readers. An don't forget to pour one out for your homie. B. Franklin