The plan is designed for me but anyone can take a stab at it (pun fully intended). Here are the 10 easy steps you'll need to successfully pull off faking your own death.
1. Take out a hefty life insurance policy
Any one person can take out a life insurance policy on another person. This means that you can take out a very hefty life insurance premium for yourself and name your new identity (more on that later) as the beneficiary. This also acts as insurance in the event you don't become rich and famous. How else will you be able to afford Crystal and yachts if you're flat broke and everyone you love (and typically barrow money from) thinks you're dead? It'll be pretty difficult, I'll tell you that much.
2. Record a lot of rap CD's
The best way to make a large fortune postmortem is to release a new album every year or so. You'll want to have the majority of these albums recorded prior to your fake death, so you don't raise any suspicions. As you get more and more famous, people will start to recognize you during trips to the recording studio, no matter what disguise you're wearing. Learn from the mistakes that Elvis made and keep a low profile.
3. Take acting classes
You may bring some unwanted attention to yourself if you enrolled in an acting class at the local community college after your face and name were plastered all over the obituary section of the city paper. No one will want a zombie in their class because it's frightening and distracting to students. Taking the class prior to your fraudulent demise avoids those awkward moments. And you'll need the class, so you can get into character once you assume a completely new identity like; Teto, the former Cuban guerrilla fighter, turned Wall Street power player. Something that drastic requires professional training.
4. Play catch with your son or daughter
If you have kids this step is for you. We all have to make tough decisions in life, and one of those decisions may be to completely abandon the people that depend on us, while we search for fame and fortune. You can use a little thing like a game of catch to explain to little Timmy that one day you may not be around and that means he'll have to fend for himself. Teach him the ways of the real world and how society isgoing to break his spirit at any turn. Show him how to answer questions when cops get too nosey and how to plead the "fifth". Then end your quality time with "good talk...good talk son", it solved everything on 90's sitcoms.
5. Start using drugs
You could fake a drug problem, but didn't you learn anything in acting class? You have to draw pain from real life experiences. That means if you're going to be hanging with the "wrong crowd" and "headed toward a dark place" in your final days, it must be believable. Also when they make your 'True Hollywood Story' or 'Behind the Music' it needs to have an interesting tale of drugs and addiction. Nobody wants to watch an hour of you mowing the lawn and eating at Chili's. And now that you have a drug problem it's even more believable when you...
6. Hint to family and friends that the Mob is after you
You want to make a lasting impression on all the people who love you that your life is imminent danger. And there are very simple ways to do that. When your mother calls act like there's a commotion going on inside your house scream things like, "no, please! Don't break my legs! I'll pay you your money Joey..NO!" and follow it up by breaking some plates and then suddenly hang up. If you go a family BBQ, request that a family member walk you to your car start your car for you, because "your afraid the Mob is following you". Go into work on Monday morning with casts on various parts of your body and several self inflicted wounds. And when people ask what happened simply reply, "The damn Jets lost again". Call some of your friends and ask if you can borrow large sums of money or you'll be "sleeping with the fishes". The fact that you used specific Mob terminology will seal up any leaks in your story when you...
7. Drive your burning car off of a cliff.
If you want to fake your death with lowest paper trail, studies have shown that fiery automobiles driven off of cliffs, are your safest option. But you'll need a look-a-like to fill in as you when the police find the car and body. This may require some novice grace robbing but it's nothing we all haven't dabbled in as young teens. Once you have the matching body place it in the front seat of your car. Then call your mother and tell her that your driving on a dark and abandoned road. Mention your concern over the car following you. Say thing like "This guy keeps bumping my car on this dark and abandoned road Mom. I think he's trying to kill me". Then while you light the car on fire and send it careening off of the cliff, scream loudly into the phone in a panic, and hang up. When the police contact your mother, the time of wreck will match up with phone records. And it will seem more like a murder then a suicide incase the life insurance companies get suspicious.
8. Move to Mexico
I'm told it's a lawless country, where beautiful women walk around nude and beer flows like wine. The American police will never find you and the Mexican people will surely welcome you as their own.
9. Assume a new identity
You can buy anything you want online, from new social security numbers to wigs. You can become Teto, the former Cuban guerrilla fighter, turned Wall Street executive. Teto enjoys cigars and underground cockfights. He likes fast boats and even faster women. And he'll never turn down a invitation to dance the Salsa. You are now Teto.
10. Enjoy your new life
Some say it is only through death that we are reborn. And by faking your own death and leaving your old life behind you are getting that chance to be reborn. Sure you don't have a family or friends but now you have freedom. The freedom to do anything. And you get to sit back and watch the old you grow in fame and popularity while "Teto" rakes in the cash. You did remember to leave all licensing and royalty rights to your "producer" Teto in your will right? Did I forget a step? Oh well.. I'm sure you remembered.
