The OZZMAN CUM-ETH
Everyone who has a pulse knows who Ozzy Osbourne is. He is as American as Apple Pie, which is weird because he's not even from America. But we love the guy and flock by the thousands to see his concerts, especially his former annual metal showcase OZZFEST.
Since its incarnation in 1996, myself and my hetero lifemates Justin, Jut, and Ray dreamed of having the chance to rock out to the Blizzard of Oz live. Finally, in July 2001, we got our chance. We scored dirt cheap lawn seats to the biggest show of the year and decided that the only way to prepare ourselves for such a huge event, would be to pull an all-nighter jam packed with mischief.
In 2001, we spent most of our days asleep and most of our nights out playing Wiffle Ball at the church in my apartment complex's parking lot. I can remember one time we played well into the morning hours, and apparently, there was someone across the street who was less than happy with us. Jut, being the comedian and exhibitionist of the group, figured a good way to throw off a batter's timing is to pull your pants halfway down to expose your ass crack.
It worked.
That was, until a police officer showed up and told us to stop "Shining Moons." Your taxpayer dollars at work ladies and gentlemen.
Anyway, back to the story at hand.
I'm not 100% sure, but we probably woke up around 6PM and turned on Nick GAS (you win 100 points if you know what that is/was) until we decided what to do for our big all-nighter.
Watch the game? Nah...
Underage drinking? Too expensive...
vandalism? We were punk asses...
Porno? Don't mind if I do!
Yup, we decided the only way to kick off the night would be to order 7 hours of hardcore action on Pay-Per-View. We started out tame enough and so did the porno, with a particularly bland opening scene about a girl from some other country in a wind mill being taken down to China town by a guy that I'm certain wasn't Chinese because of the length of his schlonger. Before long, that scene gave way to more hardcore encounters and the group of 4 that began the 7 hour block saying they would last through it, were clamoring for a private place to plug the dolphin.
"I've got the bedroom" Jut said. He ran in there and jumped on the computer for further assistance. Closed door and all, he was golden. "I call the balcony!" I shouted. Hey, I was under the influence of large amounts of TNA so I wasn't exactly thinking straight. I'm not sure where Justin and Ray went off to, but I'm assuming the just jerked eachother off because they seemed a little too happy when I came back from watering the shrubs out back with my own version of Miracle-Gro.
There we were, all finished, and with another 6 hours to go, we needed something more to do to kill time. How about a good old fashioned Duck sauce and Chex mix fight?
Now, if you have never been in a duck sauce fight, let me tell you, those little packets sting if you throw them right. One after another we chucked them at eachother until finally they began to break open. Then someone grabbed the Chex mix and began pelting everyone with it. Eventually, the duck sauce and chex mix started to stick together and create a rather disgusting mess throughout the apartment. Jut, powdered with duck sauce and chex mix, decided to strip naked and chase everyone around. I can still hear the chilling screams Ray let out when coming within an a few inches of his appendage. Finally, Jut jumped into the shower and things started to slowly calm down as the combination of masturbation and penis dodging started to take their toll on our energy.
That was until we heard a knock at the door; "Police, open up." yelled an officer. I looked around for a moment to an apartment that reaked of ejaculate, is covered in chex mix and duck sauce, and has the final 3 hours of a 7 hour porno block playing on a 55" screen, and think; "I'm going to jail!" Maybe there was some sort of law against combining duck sauce and semen... or ejaculating off a balcony... or putting icy hot on your balls. Yup, I did that. Not pleasant, to say the least.
Anyway, as I go to answer the door, Jut comes out of the shower with only a towel wrapped around him and walks toward the door as it opens.
"Hello officer, is there a problem?" I said like I didn't know any better. "We got a complaint about a lady screaming..." he said with a confused look on his face as he surveyed the situation. "Uh, no ladies here, sir." I said reassuringly. "OOOOOOK..." the officer said slowly turning and walking away.
I turned to my right and noticed Jut was standing there with only a towel on, then I realized why the officer had left so abruptly; He thought we were gay! He thought I was pounding Jut's rear and he was squealing like a pig, nevermind the porno on the massive TV screen.
Well, if pretending to be gay gets me out of trouble, then I might as well walk around in daisy dukes and a half shirt because I don't mind a get out of jail free card.
After enjoying the remainder of our smut block, we perpared to leave for the show. We decided to get there early because we wanted to see bands on the second stage like Taproot, Mudvayne, and Hatebreed. We couldn't wait to get there and when we did, we were hit by something: THE HEAT. It must've been the hottest day of the entire summer. We were on the lawn and out in the crowd and the exhaustion of not sleeping combined with the oppressive heat caused us to flake out and fall asleep wherever we could find a spot. We saw a few of the bands we wanted to see, but for instance, when Linkin Park came on, we quickly high-tailed it into the lobby area and found a nice set of steps to pass out on.
When it was time for the main acts to come on, we noticed that there was NOBODY sitting in the seats up front on the left side of the stage. So we went up to the guy at the door and asked if we could sit there. He agreed to let us all go there for $10 each! HELL YEA we will! If only to get out of the sun.
We would be treated to a great set by SlipKnot followed by a normal showing by Marilyn Manson (AKA he shoved his thumb in his ass, literally). Finally, it was time... BLACK SABBATH took the stage and tore the roof off the place.
Our night was complete. We got picked up and were well on our way home, except one of us thought different. "How are we gonna get home? How are we gonna get home!?" Ray worried continuously. "Ray, we're in the car on the way home, relax." Justin assured him. "Yea man, chill out." I added. "No, really, I don't know how to get home from here." Ray said. "Dude, relax we're going home. What the hell's the matter with you?" Jut scolded him. And Ray continued to question where we were going the entire ride home. Why he did so is anyone's guess, but I think it has something to do with Ketchup coming from animals, which he also claims is true.
So I got home, burnt to a crisp by the sun, dehydrated like all hell, and passed out for what felt like days. But I had the time of my life, and honestly, I don't think it was all that gay, either. I mean, 4 guys can watch porno in the same room and not be gay. Think about it, how is it any different from 100s of guys watching the chicks at a strip club? OK, So maybe it is a little gay, but boy was it fun!
sEE YA NEXT WEEK!
