Watch home movies of old vacations
Isn't Hawaii great? I mean it is if you're incredibly wealthy and you eat off of solid gold cereal bowls. But most of us don't have gold cereal bowls, or even gold cereal spoons, for that matter. If you're like me, you probably spend a majority of your day foraging for food in the back of your local Burger King and fighting off raccoons for the last Whopper. For you, vacations may be just a faint memory from a better time. Long before you invested all your money in that "Head On" stock, and lost it all just weeks later. Sure the repo man took almost all of your possessions, including your dog, and your wife. But they couldn't take your memories, or your old home videos, because you hide them in the back yard. It's time to relive those great vacation memories. With all that foraging and raccoon fighting you deserve a break. Go and dig up those old VHS tapes, ask a neighbor if you can use their TV to watch them. If they decline you could just quietly watch them while your neighbor is asleep, I'm sure they won't mind.
Tag along vacation
Some of you don't record vacations, so rewatching your old vacation home movies isn't a possibility. That's not to say that vacations are out of the question for you though. There are other ways to take a trip without spending a dime. First you have to make your way to the airport. Next you'll want to spot a family who looks like they're traveling somewhere you'd like to visit (i.e. People wearing flip flops and flower shirts are probably going some where tropical) and who have kids. Now you'll want to find the kid that looks the most like you. When no one is looking, swap yourself in for the kid (this means exchanging clothes, accessories, and other unique features). This is easily done by bribing the child with your wealth of dumpster Whoppers. Once you've successfully assumed the kids identity, begin staring into a cell phone or hand held video game console (a typical teenage activity) and no one will be the wiser. Now sit back, relax and dream about ways to outsmart that pesky raccoon. .
Assuming a strange teenagers identity can be quite the challenge in an airport. Especially with those buzz kills, the TSA, constantly around being nosey. That means your best and safest vacation option is waiting for you in your own head, and you don't need a passport or gold cereal bowl to travel there.
Have you always dreamt about traveling to Italy but you never had the money? Problem solved. You can visit the streets of Rome for free in your imagination. And you can even have Abraham Lincoln and Jessica Alba tag along. Did you ever want to ride a dinosaur that poops cupcakes? No need to take an expensive, and mind numbing 12 hour flight with Jeff Goldblum, to Jurassic Park. Just get a one way ticket to Imagicationville. In fact, every thing is possible on an "Imagication". You could visit a beach resort or have a picnic with Babe Ruth on the Moon.
The worst part of any vacation is that is has to come to a close, and at some point, you'll be forced to return to your regular life. And that means the daily grind of stealing copper wiring from old buildings and pan handling. But hey, it beats selling your body to science for experiments.