Dear Future Humans
If you are reading this letter it means one of two things.
A) The world has been annihilated and you're now looking for guidance to navigate through the ravaged land that was once a thriving city but is now inhospitable.
B) Everything is fine but you stumbled upon my retro porn collection, which as you now know, is where this letter was stored.
If you answered B please disregard the rest of this letter and return it to it's home neatly tucked between two hairy naked ladies pictures, thank you. Now if you answered A you should feel pretty fortunate, not that your whole family is most likely dead, but that you found this letter. If there's anyone who knows post-apocalyptic survival it's me (I saw Waterworld...).
The first thing you need to do if you want to survive is get a dog for companionship. Every survivor needs someone to talk to, and with the lack of humans around, your options have withered down to a small group of animal friends. Dogs make the best choice here because everyone knows cats are back staggers and hamsters are thieves. Your new dog friend will act as a close confidant in your time of need and a guide through the rough terrain. They’ll also be there to give you advice on which berries are good to eat and which berries are not. You better get a dog before all the good breeds are taken and you’re stuck talking to a Chihuahua or volleyball for the rest of your miserable life.
Now the next thing you’ll need to learn is that you can’t trust anyone, no matter how kind they appear. Any human you run into could be a cannibal. They’re not interested in making friends; they just want you and your dog for lunch. If they’re not cannibals then they’re most likely shape-shifting cyborgs sent from the future to destroy any human they encounter (this means you). If I were you I’d preemptively shoot any humans that you into just for self-preservation and peace of mind. You can never be too careful.
You’ll need a weapon to fight cyborgs and other survivors for food. The weapon of choice in a post-apocalyptic world is a shotgun, but I prefer the more theatrical method, so I suggest using a battle axe whenever the need arises (like opening hard to crack walnuts). In the event that cyborgs and cannibals aren’t a threat you can sleep safe at night knowing that no one would rob the guy who’s talking to a dog, pushing a cart with flames on the sides, and swinging around a battle axe.
Love
Justin
