I would've been ready for the Mayan Apocalypse but this new date has really thrown me off (Don't you just hate it when Armageddon keeps changing it's mind like that?). But Life's not fair and sometimes the world ends sooner the you think. The question is do you want to die a heap of burning flesh with regrets or do you want to die a heap of burning flesh knowing you accomplished something in life? If it's the latter then I suggest you follow the list.
10- Throw yourself a parade
I'm not talking about some boring parade with your school mascot and a few waving children. No. This is the parade to end all parades. You need to throw a parade like the one from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. And don't just do a crappy reenactment either, with some red station wagon and a guy who looks like Matthew Broderick, you need to max out some credit cards and hire the actors from the movie to attend your parade (because really what else are they doing?). Buy a Ferrari and party like there's no tomorrow because... well..
9- Tell your jerk boss what you really think
We've all had a boss or have a boss who seems to have the personal hobby of being a jerk all the time. Most of the time during their jerk sessions you sit back and bite your lip, because if you said what you really thought, you'd lose your job. Now is the time to let it all out since you won't need job security when the Earth is covered in fire and rivers of blood. So when your boss walks in your office tomorrow, and harasses you about your sales reports, you should respond with a quip with how much you hate their toupee or how much you enjoyed their wife's strip show at last years Christmas party.
8- Release all the animal from the zoo
I'm not an animal rights activist who thinks zoos are animal jails but why not let the lions and panda bears who are located in major cities run around and enjoy their local attractions before they're all dust? The lions and tigers should be allowed to tour Manhattan, if not for the shopping, then at least for the world renowned variety of food, before the end comes (and by food I mean tourists). I may have an ulterior motive in this one...
7- Ride an elephant to work
Not much explanation for this one. The animals are on the lose now make friends with an elephant and ride the majestic creature to your job before your boss calls HR about your inappropriate comments from the previous day. If the comments didn't push your boss over the edge I'm pretty sure an elephant in his parking space will do the trick.
6- Go back in time
I know time travel isn't possible but you can get a car loan and buy a Delorean, take it up to 88 mph, and hope Doc's crazy plan works. Best case scenario; the time travel idea works and you go back to 1864, warn President Lincoln about his assassination, and impress him with your future wisdom. The two of you hit it off and become best friends. Worst case scenario; You lose control of the Delorean and you drive off of a cliff, but to be honest the world was going to end anyway.
5- Buy a bunny
No particular reason. Bunnies are awesome (have you ever watched them eat a carrot?).
4- Hug Will Smith
It will be a small thank you for all his past attempts to save the world. Sure he may not have what it takes this Saturday to get the job done, but why not thank the man who has single handedly saved us all so many times before? Go a head give him a big hug... don't be afraid....just hold him in your arms. That was nice wasn't it?
3- Test Yourself
Since we're tying up lose ends I thought it would be nice if we could all become better people. One way to improve ourselves would be to see if we could abstain from masturbation until the Apocalypse this Saturday. You know just avoid the temptation to ... What's that? You already gave into temptation? I haven't even finished my sentence yet. How weak are you?
2- Jump the grand canyon on a motorcycle
At any other time this would be terrifying but considering the world is ending on Saturday you could essentially try this, die, and wake up again just to relive the same day all over. That's the one up side of this whole Armageddon thing. You could just keep getting another chance to try crazy daredevil things. Wait...wait I'm thinking of Groundhogs day with Bill Murray. No, if you try that Grand Canyon thing and die you'd just stay dead. My mistake and I apologize to anyone who took my advice before I realized my mix up. I feel like your death is on me.
1- Run for President
Now is the time to announce your bid for President of the United States. If the world ends on Saturday you can spend any campaign funds on cake without fear of repercussion. But if we find out that this whole May 21st thing was a hoax and we all live you can run a real campaign. You're essentially unbeatable with a campaign based on a pro-kitten and free pizza party Friday platform (it's how I won my elementary school's class treasurer). Then when the world ends on December 2012 you would already be President and you could fly to the moon for safety.