Scenario 1) You live in either "HEAVEN" or "HELL" for all eternity

So I awake and am confronted by the brightest light I have ever witnessed. Once my eyes finally adjust, I am able to make my way down a path and finally in a garden. In this garden there are mountains of fruit, streams full of diet soda, and a standalone fast-food "walk-thru" where I could simply order any item from all of the fast food restaurants known to man and the food would appear in front of me and actually LOOK like the photo on the menu.

After devouring enough food to fill 12 Rush Limbaughs, I ventured onward to find a room where the walls were entirely made from flatscreen HD 3D LED TVs that are playing every Philadelphia sports team at the same time. Phillies, Flyers, Sixers, and Eagles playing meaningful games all at the same time! "What a glorious place!" I thought, "I shall never leave" I said in my best british voice.

But wait a minute... I've seen this game before... its... no, it can't be! "Donovan is throwing up on the field!" NOOOO! "And the Patriots are World Champions!" the commentator declares. I turn my attention to the Phillies. The footage is a bit older. I remember this team, it's the 93 Phillies. What an awesome group of guys. Hmmm, Mitch Williams looks good with a mullet... uh oh.. Joe Carter!? NOOO!

At this point I'm ready to run but as I turned around and start to sprint, I'm stuck in my place and forced to endure Shaq and Kobe dominating the Sixers in the 2001 NBA Championship and the Flyers being swept out of the Stanley Cup Finals in 1997 by the Red Wings. But it gets worse... it seems these are on a constant LOOP! I look up to the Heavens... and scream at the top of my lungs.

Which is when I realize I'm writing an article for Don't You Hate Pants and I should probably not be screaming this time of night. I have neighbors, ya know.

Scenario 2) You "COME BACK" to earth as someone or something different

I always used to say when I was a little horny perverted teen that I wanted to become reincarniated as either a tampon or a chick. And since being a tampon is a bit of a dead end, let's just say I come back as a woman.

Actually, that's a bit of a dead end too because I'd probably just fondle myself all day while staring at the mirror. Unfortunately for me, I would probably look something like this...

Scenario 3) A "GHOST" Story

If I turned into a ghost after I die, I'd do my best not to be one of those pissed off spooky haunting type ghosts... But I have to say, it would be a hell of a lot of fun!

Think about it, could you imagine the havoc you could cause because of your ability to move around undetected? And no one can hurt you, so it's like even cooler to be a ghost then just plain invisible.

I tell you exactly what I would do if I were a ghost. I'd loosen everyone's salt and pepper shakers so that they'd get way too much salt and pepper on their food. Now that's spooky! BOO!