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Play the saxophone - I assume I can probably play almost any instrument. Except maybe the harp…there’s too much arm flailing and waving motions involved. But a metal instrument that you just press some keys and blow, it can’t possibly be hard. I can blow up a balloon in under 3 minutes! I could be the best one day! -
Win the Ultimate Fighting Championship - I’ve never lost a fight in my life. I took kung fu for a few months before I got injured. By the time I healed I was just too lazy to return. But I have the composure to stand there and wait for my moment to strike! And I’ve taken several blows to the head, suffering a few concussions, so I can take some hits. I could win the belt. And be the best.
Drive home from work blindfolded - Yeah, I drive the same route every day. Twice a day. That sort of repetition just BEGS to be challenged with a blindfolded effort. I’ll just put the car in cruise control and go for it!-
Climb Mt Everest - A few years ago I literally climbed half way up Mt. Rainier in Washington. Seriously. With no training, and not even a lot of effort. There’s no reason I couldn’t have gone further, except for the people I was with were ready to leave. So why not conquer Everest! I’ll get a sweet backpack and put some jerky in it and a bunch of Dum Dums. Then maybe I can be Sir Matt.
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Win a Nascar race - Seriously…driving really fast in ovals can’t be that challenging. Only turning left for a long period of time. All these “professional” drivers aren’t accomplishing anything that unreasonable. I’m confident in my driving abilities. I’ll only do it if my sponsors can be Hickory Farms and Oscar Mayer. And Jimmy Dean. Rock on.
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Win a Nascar race blindfolded - Why not combine the two? By this point I’ve comfortably gotten home safely without even seeing the road. It can’t possibly be any harder to drive in ovals at high velocities blindfolded while eating bacon. Right? Right!
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Win a Gold medal in Curling - Sweeping really fast and walking on the ice, a challenge? I can sweep a whole room in less than 10 minutes! And sliding the stone on the ice in a straight line can’t possibly be more difficult than bowling, and I once bowled a 197!
- Perform Open Heart Surgery - If Doogie Howser M.D. as a child can do it why can’t I? That guy in the box needs help. And I just picture myself holding the little tweezers trying not to touch the shocking metal sides, I’m sure I’d be very successful.
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Police Sketch artist - Yeah, I’m not much of an artist, to be honest. But generally the guy described always looks the same. Laying there on the ground with his arms and legs in slanted positions. I’m confident I could use “official police chalk” to outline around the guy. Come on?! -
Fly a Plane - Have you seen some of the clowns flying planes these days? With their long hair and beards? And thick glasses? And hair nets? Humming “Fly like an Eagle” by Steve Miller? Well…neither have I, and that’s really not the point. What is the point? When I was about 11 years old I played Flight Simulator game on the Commodore 64 computer, and I don’t mean to brag, but I was pretty adequate at flying back then!
As you can see, I have a TON of potential right now. My options are limitless. And I’m a very confident guy, that must count for something. Why even try these things? Because they are all SO EASY.
I don’t want to embarrass anyone…so for now, I’ll just sit here and eat M&M’s.
