The Sun
Sometimes your greatest ally can also be your worst enemy. The Sun sits high above the clouds smiling on us every morning with two scoops of raisins. It's also busy helping plants with photosynthesis and making every cast member of the Jersey Shore look black. While it does so many great things, the Sun still poses a great threat against humanity, because at any moment the Sun could explode. One minute you could be driving to work, stuck in a traffic jam, and the next minute there isn't even a job or even a planet to drive to. Your wife, your kids, and even important things like your TV will be burnt away to nothing. And a recent study shows some startling numbers. Sun explosion seem to be on the rise.
"9 out of 10 Suns explodes every hour"Pedophile Trees
So the Sun didn't explode and you think "Awesome! I think it's safe to leave the house". Well you're wrong, dead wrong. The world is still a very dangerous place, even if the Sun is still fully in tact. Most of these dangers are hidden to the average person. Take the Pedophile Tree for instance. These trees have mastered the art of disguise and abduction. They can be seen most often inside playgrounds and elementary schools, or parked our front of Justin Beiber concerts. Typically they wear trench coats and drive windowless vans. Once they get their slimy branches on a child it's all over. The Pedophile Tree is never to be trusted as a babysitter no matter how much "experience" it says it has.
"Hey kids, there's even better candy in the higher branches" Zombie Tranny Apocalypse
Now we've all experienced the dreaded zombie apocalypse and the oddly confusing tranny apocalypse, but thankfully we have yet to experience a Zombie Tranny Apocalypse. It would start out harmlessly enough (as any apocalypses do) with a transvestite bio-chemist testing out a new cure for razor bumps when she/he accidentally mixes the vial up and uses an experimental strain of Rabies on his/her bikini area. This quickly leads to a global pandemic of cross dressing mutants with a hunger for human flesh and a love of women's fashion. No person or shoe store is safe.
"We want BRAINS!! and Your COACH PURSE!!"Raining Men
After overhearing a weather report in the form of a dance song coming from Ray's bedroom, I've become increasingly concerned with possibility of raining men. If full grown men begin falling from the sky we're all in serious danger. Typically hail storms, which are about the size of golf balls on average, cause lots of property damage and tend to inflict some injuries. But we're talking 150-200 lb men falling a few thousand feet. They could kill millions in a single storm, not to mention the clean up that would entail. This would be a storm of biblical proportions. The likes of which we've never seen. May God have mercy on us all.
"And you thought snow was bad? I'm gonna wreck your car"Bears on Segways
I've been ringing this alarm for quite some time. Bears on Segways are the single greatest threat facing man kind today.
"The only thing we have to fear is Bears on Segways" - FDR
