My search for the truth began innocently enough. Since I lived with a former Girl Scout I figured I would ask my fiancé all she knew about what the possible reasons could be. At first she would act as if she simply hadn't heard me. When I pressed the issue she would grow nervous (never a fan of confrontation) and simply answer, "I don't know". This was usually followed by brilliant mind games meant to distract me from my quest (these mind games usually came in the form of lacey underwear).
This went on for a few weeks until, finally, I demanded an answer. As she stood there in front of me wearing her usual costume of diversion I made sure that my eyes never diverted from her own. Sensing that she was defeated she took drastic actions. Before I could react she had me pinned against the wall, her elbow stabbing into my throat. As I gasped for air she leaned in slowly and whispered in my ear, “Some questions shouldn’t be answered”. Then as fast as it had happened she let go, smiled, and asked what I wanted for dinner. As I rubbed my neck and watched her walk into the kitchen I realized two things: 1) I’m slightly more afraid of her than I ever was before 2) I wanted ham and 3) she was a dead end. I should have ended there but, stubbornly, I needed my answer and I knew where I could get it.
Lover's Quarrel by Fred Lanze
As I said earlier, it isn’t hard to find groups of girl scouts pushing their cookies this time of year. It is, however, hard to find one separated from the group. After hours of waiting one of the Junior Scouts finally made her way out to the parking lot to grab more cookies from the van.
At this moment I want to stress that I’m not proud of my actions but I hope that this will prove how obsessed I was with finding an answer.
I saw my opportunity and I seized it. Much like my fiancé, I pounced before she had time to react. I demanded that she give an explanation to my question, hoping that her fear would lead to an answer. To my surprise, she simply looked me right in the eyes and asked, “Would you like to buy some cookies?”. Confused and angry I tried again, and again was met with the same response, “Would you like to buy some cookies?” Obviously, my original idea was not going to work so I used bribery. It cost me almost a week’s pay but I bought two thirds of the cookies she had left. She couldn’t explain where the money goes but she told me that if I went to a certain warehouse at midnight last Wednesday I would have my answer. There was a catch though, I had to go undercover.
Foolproof Disguise by Fred Lanze
I’m not going to lie, it was very hard to find a Girl Scout uniform in my size but I was able to get my hands on one and I was on my way. I was a bit nervous as I reached the entrance. I was afraid they would see through my disguise and I was thinking that not shaving was a bad idea when I was immediately stopped at the doorway. The Senior Scout who had stopped me stared and asked for full name and troop number. Never doing any undercover work before I hesitated. Sweat dripping from my brow, I blurted out the first thing that came into my head. I winced as I heard myself say, “Mary Queen of Scots, Troop 1234.”. Thankfully, due to a devastating combination involving general lack of interest in history and a failing education system this statement didn’t throw up any red flags in this girls mind and I was allowed access.
As I walked through the winding hallways I was greeted by two things. The sounds of screaming and yelling and the stench of sweat and dried blood. I was confused by these findings until I opened the door at the end of the hall and understood what I had gotten myself into. Their terrible, dark secret... was an underground Girl Scout Fighting League.
NEXT WEEK: Secrets of the Girl Scouts Revealed - Fight for Survival