Q1: Hey

My New Years resolution is to go on a diet, but I love cake. Is there such a thing as Diet Cake?

Amy - Butte, Montana

A: Amy sadly there is no magical "diet cake" yet, but you could just eat as much cake as you want and then throw it all up right afterward. It's like having your cake and eating it too. But it's guilt free!

Q2:  Dear Justin

My new girlfriend and I used to be very distant but we've grown closer over our common interest, though we have been disagreeing on one thing. Did Gacy kill 40 people or 30? Because we're on pace to beat his record and we don't want to miss it before the pigs find us. PS if you're ever near the motel 6 off interstate 22, come have a drink with us.

Clyde- Springfield, IL

A: According to Wikipedia, Gacy killed 33 people, but that's no where near the record for a serial killers. And really you guys would be more in the couple’s category anyway, so I'm not even sure your stats would count towards a singles competition. But good for you guys for having a goal. Stick with it and keep living the dream.

Q3: Dear Justin

I love pancakes, I eat them probably everyday, well not probably, I do. When I eat pancakes I always use Aunt Jemima syrup, but last month a friend told me about Mrs. Butterworth and I can't get enough. Now I hide Aunt Jemima away when I'm with Mrs. Butterworth and whenever I speak about her I make sure Aunt Jemima isn't in earshot. If Aunt Jemima ever finds out do you think she will try to harm me or Mrs. Butterworth?

Chip- Clear Water, FL

A: Well Chip, why are you being so exclusive? I say you turn this monogamous pancake adventure into a sexy, syrupy, threesome. Invite Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth to the table, and turn your morning into a party. This way no one feels left out and everyone's having fun.  

Q4: Dear Oprah

I just turned 15 and I think I'm going through some changes because  recently I noticed that things are... harder...  under my sheets in the morning... If you get what I mean. Is this normal?

Sarah- Ontario, Canada

A: Don't worry Sarah, what you're going through is very natural. Your mom probably just used more starch in your sheets then normal, no biggie. Just tell her that you prefer the soft touch of 'Downy' fabric softener. That's 'Downy' for all you laundry needs.

Q5: Hey You

A great travesty has taken place in our justice system. I sir am appalled at the new judges on American Idol. What can I do to put an end to this?

Anonymous

A: That's easy, write them threatening letter after threatening letter. And if that doesn't get the point across that you want them to get off the air, go to an audition waving a gun around. It worked for me with 'Heroes'.

"What do you mean you didn't like me rendition of Ke$ha's Tik Tok?"