Things That Rock - New Jobs

Things That Rock - New Jobs

18.01.11

Welcome to another edition of Things That Rock, where I discuss things that I think are awesome or just plain rock. This week's topic is new jobs. Now I know that by definition most jobs usually suck, even if you like one in the beginning after a few months you begin to hate it as much as the last one. The point is, however, that in the beginning a new job is great. The company is better, the bosses seem better, and since you're the new guy people have lower expectations of you. Also, since everyone else is new to you you now have the ability to create a whole new "you". If you ever wanted to make yourself seem more interesting now is your chance to be that former mafia hitman turned private investigator you always saw yourself as (It's believable and people are bound to respect and fear you, especially).

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Yeah, I could probably kill you twenty different ways using only my sternum

But creating fascinating backstories isn't the only thing that rocks about a new job...

Another thing that's great about getting a new job is you can do what you've always wanted to do to your boss. Now, some people might say that this is bad advice because as they always say, "you don't want to burn bridges". I say those people are idiot's and you should burn as many bridges as possible. Honestly, you're probably never going to see these people again so tell them how you feel, key their car, hell sleep with their wife if you want to. This can get even more interesting if your new job is in another state. At this point I say throw caution to the wind and do whatever your heart desires (pooping on the desk is always classic).

job2

Believe me, this guy knows he deserves to get punched

Another great thing about getting a new job is how unbelievably popular you were. Everything is normal until you tell your co-workers that you'll no longer be there in a few weeks and suddenly their devastated and inundating you with requests to hang out before your final day happens. Even management begins to realize how important to the company you were as they beg and plead with you not to leave. You start to understand something that, unknowingly to you, was always there. The happiness of these people hinges on you continuously coming to work, without you they may not be able to function. But you need to be strong and you need to explain to them that you'll still keep in touch with them and that someday they'll understand and then they'll be able to move on as well. Of course this could take a darker turn and you realize that no one ever liked you as they keep asking when you're going to leave. At this point I suggest taking the same actions against them as you took against your boss. Maybe even steal some things from their desk and sell them on Ebay (that'll teach them for not having an undying love for you).

job3

How will we live without you? You're the glue holding our lives together

Everything I outlined in this blogs proves without a shadow of a doubt that getting a new job can be one of the best things to ever happen to you, but sometimes a new job is just a transfer. At which point I suggest not seeking revenege on any bosses or co-workers seeing as you're still part of the same company (I'm assuming other stores speak to each other). Transfers can be good but sometimes they can take a dark turn as well. Maybe you liked all of the people at your last job, including managment. Perhaps you had created a nice rapport at this store and see this as the best place for advancement in the company. Maybe you're only doing this because you fiance won't leave her job and she's forcing you to leave your family and friends AND MOVE TO GOD DAMN NORTH JERSEY!!! (clears throat) Sorry I... uhhh... I don't know where that came from. Anyway, so yeah, transfers can also be great. I think it's best if I end it here, see you guys next week.

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