Q1: Dude
My wife is really clumsy. How can I get her to stop falling down the stairs so people don't think I beat her?
Ben- Portland, MN
A: Well Ben this is a great question. There is really only one way to stop your wife from constantly hurting herself, and that is to lock her in your bedroom, and chain her to the bed (like the movie Misery). This way she will no longer be a danger to herself and possibly others. Now she will no longer have annoying co-workers asking her questions about her suspicious bruises, because she’ll never leave the house again.
Q2: Dear Abby,
I'm 32 years old and have never "played scrabble" with a woman before, if you know what I mean. I've been going out with my girlfriend for a few months, and I think this weekend will finally be the big show, since my parents are outta town. Any "game time" tips you can send my way?
Tim - Prospect Park, Pa
A: I may be able to help you Tim. Scrabble is one of my favorite games and the rules are simple. You play the game on square board and you gain points by forming words across or down internal grid, like a crossword puzzle. Various parts of the board are marked with squares indicating a increase in points. So depending on your word selection and correspondence to a “multiplier square” you could defeat your nice lady friend with a couple of “triple word” scores, if you know what I mean. Another good tip is to stay away from Q’s if you’re lacking of U’s, and hide Z’s in your pocket, they’re worthless.
Q3: Hi,
2010 was a very bizarre year for me. I felt like I was always in a rush! As a result, I got 9 speeding tickets, many of which I chose not to pay because I felt I shouldn't have been caught in the first place! At any rate, there are several warrants out for my arrest. I already have gotten a full identity change and plastic surgery to avoid police. My dilemma is, where do you think I can get a vehicle that is less likely to be caught speeding? My son is a cop and I've considered stealing his cop car, but it doesn't get very good gas mileage. Any advice for me?
Marvin- Cleveland, OH
A: Rocket Skates…you can’t go wrong with rocket skates.
Q4: I need to know,
What are hot dogs made out of?
Ned- Dublin, Ireland
A: Ned since you’re not from America, I’ll explain the wonderfully delicious miracle that is hot dogs. I know Ireland is seriously lacking in edible food, so I can understand your ignorance on such a subject, and I forgive you. Hot dogs are made out of the magical parts of the most delectable pigs, or cows, if you’re being kosher. Every savory bit is hand picked by a hot dog aficionado and gently rolled into and nice little meat package. This meat package is then distributed to markets across the land and is consumed by only the protégés among us. I know your Irish palette is watering at the thought of one, but sadly you’ll have to stick to eating Lucky Charms…or dirt… or whatever it is you Irish people eat.
Q5: Dear Justin
What’s with all the dead animals around the world? Is it the apocalypse?
Heather- Princeton, NJ
A: It’s not the apocalypse until the seas turn red with the blood of our first born. You’ll have to start slaughtering a whole lot of first born children to bring about the end of days. And you just don’t seem like you really want it that bad. So until you get around to slaughtering, you’ll just have to sit around and wait like the rest of us. Maybe you could even eat a dead pigeon or two and clear the streets of all those pesky bird corpses while you’re waiting. You could probably find a hungry Irishman to help you, tell them it’s a hot dog.
