Q1 - Please Help
I belong to the Church of Satan, and my daughter is starting school next year. Since there aren't any Satanic schools in my town, should I put her in private school or public?
Kathy - Limerick, PA
Kathy you could home school your daughter. This way you know exactly what she's learning about. Public schools are useless and private schools certainly won't teach her the ways of your Lord Satan. If you want your daughter to know about human sacrifice, possessions, and torture you'll have to teach her yourself.
Q2 - Dear Justin
I have been unable to ask "Mary" out -- or at least see if she's into me -- because we both work at the same place. I am not the type to be shy with my feelings, but with her it's different.She's amazing! I want to ask her out, but I'm unsure how to, considering that I am a woman. She does not know how I feel about her. What should I do?
Corrine - Surprise, Arizona
Well Corrine if you think Mary isn't into you, in the same way you like her, simply change everything about yourself. Become a new person entirely, like Hilary Swank in 'Boys Don't Cry'. Come into work the next morning dressed as a man, mustache and everything. Tell Mary you're a new employee named Juan and you'll be taking Corrine's place. Make sexually explicit comments to Mary and say manly things like "I sure do like the local football team, I Hope they win their next game by a home-run". This will make you more believable as a man. Once she's fallen for your ruse ask her out on a date, proposition her for sex, and take pictures of your wild night (feel free to send them to me). If she turns you down it's only because your disguise wasn't convincing enough. You may need a sex change to really send it home.
Q3 - Hello,
I hope you can help me with a family crisis. I have two sons. My 14 year old son, Henry, has always enjoyed having animal crackers as a snack. He has an extremely bizarre habit of keeping ALL of the cookie hippo's, refusing to eat them! He had several bags of them in his closet, it's ridiculous! So, one day last month, my 12 year old son, Brad, who has a profound drug problem, during a binge of the "munchies" at almost ALL of the bagged hippos. Can you suggest a good public store where I can buy a large quantity of animal crackers at a reasonable cost to replace Henry's crackers?
Chester - Annapolis, MD
Why not bake some hippo animal crackers yourself? Then you can decide which animal shapes are made. You could make whole batches of hippo crackers. Now the real question is where to find little bits of hippo so you get that special hippo flavor.
Q4 - Yo J-Man!
I have an extreme addiction to Silly Bands! I have over 700 of them! All varieties, colors, styles, sports teams, cartoon characters, it's terrific! I'm so obsessed, that I have to wear them all on my right arm at the same time! Lucky for me, I'm left-handed. The problem is, I have lost complete feeling in my right hand, and it's very blue in color and getting numb. Can you recommend a good plastic surgeon where I may be able to get a great looking bionic arm to replace it so I can keep up the Silly Band collection?
Ben - Providence, RI
There's a really good hospital just over the border, in Mexico, that will do the surgery and the bionic arm for $40 or 200 Pesos. They'll even throw in some tequila for the pain. I can't mention the name because of legal issues, but finding it will be part of the fun. Viva La Hospital! (that's a clue)
Q5 - Dear Sir
My family instructed me to get a hobby because I can become bored quite easily. I finally took up a hobby that I enjoy, but now my family would like me to stop. How can I get them to understand that collecting Asian babies is a perfectly acceptable hobby?
Traci - Ridley, PA
I assure you Traci it's perfectly normal. I myself have been collecting Latino babies for years now. Every time I take a trip down to Mexico I usually pick up a baby or two from this real run down hospital. No one even notices the babies are missing. Then I raise them until they're in their teens, at which point I sell them to an American soccer team. Viva La Babies!