Give us your gold coin, good shoppe keeppe,Back in my day, when you wanted to rob a place, you'd create a gun with your thumb and finger, put it in your jacket pocket and yell alot until someone gives you money. But these cunning thieves had other plans. They pretended they had a fake gun, by gluing a pole to a shaped block of wood and tried to pass it off as an olde timey muskete (you know it's old because they all ended with an e). These geniuses were not foiled by some meddling kids and thier dog, they were screwed by the fact that their "gun" look like a rubber-band shooter made in shop class, and the second, un-musketted "robber" was laughing hysterically. Now, I haven't robbed a place in a while, but I'm pretty sure laughter is not your first intimidating tool.
Tickle fight!... Now, give me all your money!
Our second group of morons used a crossbow to scare a post master. Now, this one sorta makes sense. It's a working weapon, the shock of seeing a crossbow in your face and not being the Sheriff of Nottingham would probably freak me out, and I'm sure score you some money. However, why the hell would you pick a Post Office? Did they run out of stamps while they were sending their letters to Santa? Do they head a group of dissidents, tired of the 2 cent yearly increases, and want to make their voice heard?
And where did they get a crossbow? Did they pull some gruff old timer out of retirement, and his only request was they do it "his way"... where "his" way was using the tools he whittled him self when he used to rob horse drawn carts in the 1600's? And how much money can you really get from a post office, $400 in quarters and pennies? Nice score, Dillinger, guess you can retire to the Cayman's and get that yacht you always wanted.
Ain't she a beaut? I call her the S.S. Duct Tape because that's what
I use to keep water out and the oars from floating away
Our final felons planned their heist to the letter... well except for one little thing. First, they chose a very intimidating weapon, used by many a Martial artist and Ninja Turtle. Well done, robbers. Should scare the hell outta any proprietor. They also chose a small store with two elderly owners, Alan and Erica Garratt. Well done again, old people are old. They can barely walk 10 steps before having to pee again. Looks like a big score, way to go!
However, they did not plan for Mr. Garratt to fight their swordiness off with a bottle a Sherry and alotta of moxey. In the video below, you'll see Alan Garratt fight them off multiple times, so it just goes to show you... old people are dangerous and should not be screwed with. They've killed kids for being "young", and not listening when they yell "Get off my lawn!"... Do you think an old guy would hesitate to bust a cap in you, when you wield a sword at his wife? No way. You're a gonner. Next time, bring a TV playing re-runs of Matlock and those old people will be mesmerized. You can clean the place out after that.
Bitch, I shot at Hitler, you don't scare me.
Now cut your hair and get a job!
So, I hope you've enjoyed our first Bizarre of the new year, and be sure to check out the two videos below. One, from the Musketeering robbers and the other with Alan Garratt fending off Samurai with a fine wine.
Until next week, same Bizarre time, same Bizarre channel.
Videos
Musket Robbery
Sword Robbery
