I'm pretty sure the New Years Eve celebrations began with the Mayans. They would all gather in the village square and swap doomsday prophecies. Then the Mayans would drink fermented root juice, at which point some Mayan virgin would get out of hand, and take her top off. She would quickly be sacrificed for her sins and the whole crowd would count down until her body was dropped onto a spike. Everyone would kiss, and make resolutions to do more human sacrifices in the future.
"HAPPY NEW YEAR!"
For me, New Years is mild and boring. I don't drink, so listening to announcers say "Dick Clark" all night seems less hilarious to me and far less entertaining without alcohol. I'm also married, so my wife would be pretty upset if I ended the night with my vodka covered tongue in someone else's mouth. Now, I'm not saying people shouldn't drink and act like they're on an episode of the Real World. I'm just saying it's not my thing. But when you take the black out intoxication element away from New Years Eve it becomes just another night. I'll watch boring TV, eat a bunch of food, and wake my elderly neighbors up by banging pots and pans loudly together at midnight.
"Frank, I think someone's outside banging pots and pans again..Frank.. FRANK?"
During my New Years Eve TV surfing I quickly realized two things. A robotic Dick Clark would be an improvement over Ryan Seacrest (I do enjoy Seacrest's adorable little sweaters) and people have to be insane to go to Time Square for New Years. You're basically telling terrorists "You don't even have to try. We all got drunk and stood together so you could blow us up faster". I'm sure the terrorists will appreciate our American ingenuity. That's like knowing there's a risk of shark attacks at a particular beach, covering yourself in blood, and going for a group swim. And why are all those people so excited? They're just standing outside in freezing temperatures waiting for midnight so they can welcome in a new year that's sure to disappoint. Don't they know next year will be just as depressing as last year?
"Let's all make out after the ball drops, ok?"
