Q1- Dear Justin
My wife wants me to wear an ugly Christmas sweater to our family's party, and I really dont want to. What should I do?
Art- Shavertown, NY
You should burn her. Not even the sweater but her. Hell, set the whole house on fire, and buy yourself a nice flat screen for Christmas with the insurance money. You've earned it.
Q2- Dear Sir,
Approximately 18 months ago, I abandoned my wife and 4 young children from my home in Alabama. At the time, it was a very difficult choice for me, but as time has gone on I've managed to forget them pretty successfully. Last weekend, I was walking through a convenience store in New York City when I came across a postcard stand. I seem to recall the kids really like pictures, and I've been agonizing over which one to send to them. Should I send one of the Empire State building or Statue of Liberty, just to remind them that I'm not dead?
Bruce- New York, NY
I say you have a nice caricature of yourself done. They're more personal then pictures of buildings. A caricature really says "I'm alive but I my head is over-sized and I drive a tiny race car now". Also, your estranged family will have no photographic evidence of your whereabouts, so they can't track you down.
Q3- Justin Help!
My cat is stuck in our Christmas tree, what should I do?
Martha- Seattle, WA
You need to get yourself a angry badger. He will flush your cat right out of that tree. Though, now you have a rage filled badger living in your Christmas tree... That is quite the dilemma... Quite the dilemma, indeed. Oh hell, I'm in arson kind of mood today, so I say burn the tree with the cat inside. Replace the old cat with a replica cat, as to not alert the children.
Q4- Dear Jason
I have a rather compulsive obsession with socks. I like to steal them when I'm visiting friends and family members. My uncle caught me stealing some of his and hit me in the head with a hot curling iron, burning my forehead quite badly. Is there an ointment that you can recommend to help heal a minor skin burn?
Brent- Tampa, FL
Brent, I think Icy Hot should do the trick. First it numbs the pain, then it uses heat to relax it away. At least that's what Shaq keeps telling me. If Shaq says it works, who am I to doubt him? He was a genie for cryin' out loud!
Q5- Hello Justin
At my fortieth birthday, my friend and I had quite a heated disagreement, concerning a question, that I hope you can solve for us. Now, I know this is a humor site and you don't usually cover questions of such a divisive nature, but we need to know... Who would win in a fight between Mr. Mxyzptlk and Bat-Mite? They're both imps from the 5th dimension, so I thought it would be a draw, what say you?
Jasper- Philadelphia, PA
Umm... I think the answer is 16? But I'm not even sure anymore.
