For the missus, exercise caution with the traditional diamond necklace, because let's face it, a diamond necklace says "I went to a store and paid hundreds of dollars for some rock a 5 year old dug out of a cave, because I love you". Why give guilt, when you can give your wife, girlfriend, or effeminate, cross-dressing boyfriend a necklace you made with your bare hands. A macaroni necklace is the perfect gift for the Romeo on a budget and if they don't appreciate the kind gesture of your Dollar Store love, then you should really reconsider the relationship. I don't care if she bought you a big screen TV... did she build it with her bare hands?.... I didn't think so.

Penne, the most heartfelt of pastas

Now, I can imagine you're saying, "But RAY!? What about the kids?" Well, I'm glad you asked. Those little bastards presents are gonna start getting more expensive as technology permeates everything we have. They'll start asking for a Barbie Hoverboard and the newest VR headset, so they can go to crazy "mind" raves and become Cylons. To teach your kids the value of a dollar, and give them memories they'll have for a lifetime ( that they'll then blurt out in a therapy session when they're 30 ), just make them a hoverboard yourself. Grab that left over sheet of wood from the "deck" you tried to build over the summer and do something useful with it. Get some duct tape, strap two vacuums  to the wood, and ta da! Christmas Magic! Instant Hoverboard! They'll love you forever, and probably turn the hoverboard into a family heirloom, passed down to each generation, I'm sure of it.

One more Hoover away from Christmas Magic!

Finally, we address your parents. The people from who's loins you sprang, so many years ago. How do you repay them for the years of sacrifice? The double shifts, the credit card debt, the broken dreams, and late nights with scary monsters? Simple, don't waste your time buying that expensive trip to Hawaii, or that fancy new Rascal Scooter your Dad wants, but wont be able to understand because it's too new and techy. Give him a tricycle with a basket, blue of course ( he IS a boy, you don't want him to be made fun of do you? ), and a bus ticket to Milwaukee. He'll love you for the bike, because he knows how to use it... it's like riding a bike... because it is a bike. Shack them up with that woman who writes your Dad every year, asks for DNA samples and talks about some "secret" they should never speak of. They'll shed a tear that you remembered your Dad used to live in the Brew City, that you read his mail, and your resolve to reunite your parents with one of Dad's oldest friends.

Dad can use his new bike to get to the Maury taping.

So, there you have it folks. Ideas for the whole family. Who says Christmas has to be a stressful time of the year with break-ups, social workers and new sisters? Sometimes, Christmas can just be magical. Especially with the help of the heartfelt homemade gift.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!