Recently it's come to my attention that we're on the brink of an apocalypse. According to Ray Judgement Day (Terminator or Biblical) could be as soon as Saturday. This leaves us all with such little time to do some last minute activities. So to help save time I've created a list of ten things you need to do before the World ends. 

This week I give agricultural advice, answer the big questions about time and space, learn a new language, help a father connect with his son, and help a wife deal with her lying husband. So come along and get your learn on, because we've got knowledge aplenty for your brain!

Welcome to Saturday Morning Adventure! Type ENTER to start the game.

ENTER

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STATS
Name:                 Raymond
Class:                  Lvl 1 Server
Health Points:    10
Stamina:             15
XP to next Lvl:   25

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You find yourself in the kitchen of a 2nd rate restuarant. You've worked here for almost two years now and it has lost it's luster. You thought you'd be Assistant Manager by now, but that jerk KENNETH got the job instead. He was always such a suck up. You're currently at the SERVING LINE. To the NORTH is the open table setup of a DINING ROOM, to the EAST is a door. To the WEST is a door. To the SOUTH is a door marked EMPLOYEES ONLY. Where will you go?

GO SOUTH

Every week I'm going to talk about something I hate, something that's overrated, or something that just flat out sucks. This week we talk about astrology. This spacey mumbo jumbo has been around for centuries and no matter how many times the Sports writer at the paper make up the horoscopes the night before a deadline, people keep eating it up! Even this past week, some star nerd made up a new House, or sign, or whatever the hell they call it, and shifted the signs around to make room. Now people are taking up arms, because the Daily News says they're no longer quiet and reserved, but outgoing and full of leadership and pizzaz.

All these lines mean I'm a theatrical show off... really? Have they heard my acting?

But lying to you about your social and acting skills isn't the only reason Astrology sucks...

Welcome to another edition of Things That Rock, where I discuss things that I think are awesome or just plain rock. This week's topic is new jobs. Now I know that by definition most jobs usually suck, even if you like one in the beginning after a few months you begin to hate it as much as the last one. The point is, however, that in the beginning a new job is great. The company is better, the bosses seem better, and since you're the new guy people have lower expectations of you. Also, since everyone else is new to you you now have the ability to create a whole new "you". If you ever wanted to make yourself seem more interesting now is your chance to be that former mafia hitman turned private investigator you always saw yourself as (It's believable and people are bound to respect and fear you, especially).

 

 

 Yeah, I could probably kill you twenty different ways using only my sternum

 

But creating fascinating backstories isn't the only thing that rocks about a new job...

It's time for a Saturday Morning Adventure!  A new weekly column every Saturday set to the tune of old school computer games. I hope you have fun reading it as much as I had fun writing it.

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Welcome to Saturday Morning Adventure! Type ENTER to start the game.

ENTER

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STATS
Name:                 Raymond
Class:                  Lvl 1 Cubicle Farmer
Health Points:    10
Stamina:             15
XP to next Lvl:   25
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You find yourself at work. You're desk is situated in a small cubicle half the size of a jail cell. You hate this place. On your DESK, you have a COMPUTER, a small filing CABINET, and two TRAYS.. one marked IN, the other OUT. The IN tray is piled high with papers. The OUT tray is empty. Slacker. To the NORTH, WEST, and EAST are walls, walls that are closing in on you because you made poor decisions in your 20's and are now stuck in a dead end job. To the SOUTH is the exit. Where will you go?

GO SOUTH PLEASE

You exit the death cubicle and enter the main hall. You see more cubicle arrangements of 4 workers each, placed in a plus-sign-like shape. To the EAST you see the WATER COOLER, to the WEST the hall continues. To the NORTH death awaits you in a small cubicle, slowly sucking your life away, to the SOUTH you see the KITCHEN, from the doorway you see a table with COOKIES! OH! Pick the COOKIES, do it, do it!

OK FINE CALM DOWN GO SOUTH

Unfortunately, I've earned the nickname "Fumbles", from my "friends." Not only a comment on my lack of "game" involving the ladies, but it should really be on my coat of arms. As much as I fight to stop this nickname, my actions are not helping clear my good name. My first days at a few of my jobs add some fuel to this fire.

After quitting my first job as a paper boy (after two weeks), I was offered a job at McDonald's.  By then, I was 15 and still technically couldn't work past 8pm. McDonald's didn't give a damn. My first day there, I was placed on drive-thru. The little timer that keeps track of how long you take to complete an order would go off like howitzer every 45 seconds, as I missed the mark every order. I called a few ladies, "Sir", and vice versa, it was a long day.

Then came time to close.

Changing the fry hopper is apparently a task no one covets. It sits next to the fryer and has 3 big peices that are covered in grease no one wants to clean. Even though it kills a good 20 minutes from your shift, gets you off of the register, and isn't difficult. I jumped at the chance to impress my boss and instead burned my arm badly, on a fry cage newly removed from the hot oil, while cleaning it.

To this day I still have a scar on my right arm.

Then there was my second job.