America is known as a great melting pot. A smorgasbord of different cultures, races, religions, and of course, cuisine. So it's only appropriate that eventually the battered and fried nature of Southern/Cajun cooking would seep it's way into every other cuisine. From American burgers and fries, to tempura from Japan, to breakfast, we cover all the odd stuff that's been thrown on a stick for the fatty on the go. Remember, the more you move your body, the more things on a stick you stuff in your face. Hell, if you walk far enough each day, you could double-fist a stick in each hand LIKE A CHAMP!

Now, on to the list...

• Ray
  

  Ray's first girlfriend was hated by all his friends. The hatred got so bad we made songs about her that can be found here. In our defense she was a huge b**ch so I hope you enjoy her misery in song form. I won't say her name here for her privacy but let's just say it ryhmes with biz and starts with an L.

• Fred
  

  Fred tastes the different pancake syrups at IHOP with a spoon while waiting for his breakfast. He does the same thing with his finger and BBQ sauce at Famous Daves.

• Tone
  

  Tone accidently put 'Icy Hot' on his testicles one time. Let's just say he wasn't thrilled with the results.

• Justin (me)
  

  I like Paramore. I can't explain it. They're poppy, upbeat, and a chick band but I get pumped when their music comes on the radio. There I feel much more liberated having that out in the open.

• Toby
  

  Toby enjoys the taste of unicorn meat, so much so, that he single- handedly hunted them to extinction. So you can thank Toby for the lack of magical horned beasts in our everyday lives.

Every week I'm going to talk about something I hate, something that's overrated, or something that just flat out sucks. This week we discuss diets, and how even after all the nights at the gym and self control on the weekend, you're still 15 lbs away from your goal. What's that? Cupcakes are buy one get one free at the super market this week? Don't just stand there, grab as many as you can carry! They're smaller versions of regular cake, so it doesn't count.

This is just on example of why diets suck....

Every week I'm going to talk about something I hate, something that's overrated, or something that just flat out sucks. This week we discuss computers, and why even after all the good things they've brought to the world, more often then not, you end up on the floor in the fetal position, all because you couldn't get a simple document to JUST PRINT!

But this isn't the only reason computers suck...

I like to eat frozen, chocolate-covered bananas, but I hate the judgmental stares I get from people.

When I go swimming in the ocean I always make sure I bring along a seal. This way, if a shark is thinking about attacking, he'll probably pick the seal first, since they're much tastier. You can never pack too many seals.

The first official beach volleyball game was played on July 10, 1804, near Wildwood, NJ. It was a Shirts vs. Skins game. Alexander Hamilton was the captain of the Shirts team, and Aaron Burr, the captain of the Skins. Hamilton's team won, due mainly to his wicked serve. Aaron Burr was known for having a short temper and being a sore loser. The rest, as they say, is history.

Jellyfish sting you because they like to watch humans try to pee on each other in a public setting. They're into that kinda' stuff. This is why scientists refer to the jellyfish as the "pervert of the sea".

If you get stuck at the top the Ferris Wheel for an hour, you have a story to be retold all summer. If you get stuck on the Tea Cups for an hour, that's just embarrassing.

In a pinch, a very pale, obese child can be used as a beach ball. Simply paint blue, red, and yellow stripes on him so you don't alert the authorities. It's still considered kidnapping, even if you're having water time fun.

Sure sandcastles are fun, but be careful of who you make King of Sandsylvania. You don't want to end up with some sand tyrant. Before you know it he'll be persecuting you for wearing the wrong starfish necklace, marrying seahorses, and playing the fiddle while Sandsylvania burns.

Coconuts hate us. That's why they wait until we stand under their trees to fall on our heads. They want to knock us into a coma and steal our brains. Setting the stage for a global coconut take over. So, the next time you see a coconut, drill a hole into it, pour out it's savory insides, and use them in your summertime drinks. Because a coconut would do the same to you if it had the chance.

Dear readers,

I'd like to clear the air before we go any further with this relationship. I have a few confessions...

 Whenever someone breaks an object in a restaurant, whether fancy or fast food, I always yell "Mazeltov!"

 Anytime I'm in a mall or store that plays dancey type music, I dance. Even if no one is around.

If you ask me to stop dancing, I dance all up on you, like Beyonce. This is even more hilarious to me, and makes it more fun. =-D

I have a man crush on Chris Hardwick ( @nerdist on Twitter, host of Web Soup and MTV's Singled Out ). He's awesome sauce.

 I use the term "awesome sauce."

  I hope you can look past these things and love me for the woman that I am.

XOXOXO
Love always,

Ray

 

A waitress' tip percentage has risen throughout the years. First it was 10%, then 15%, now we reward good service by a waitress with at least a 20% tip or more. It's expected. Yet a stripper's tip has never risen to meet inflation, it has always been, and will continue to be, a $1. They only get one dollar for all the quality services they provide. It's unjust, unequal, and I for one will continue to only give them a dollar until someone tells me other wise. I think feminists really missed the boat on this one.

They say the Border Collie is the smartest dog breed around. I'd like to prove that theory by giving the dog and Ray the same standardized test. We'll have subjects like math, reading, and science... and to level the playing field, sheep herding. The questions are multiple choice, so the dog has a fifty percent chance of beating Ray in the math department. To the victor go the spoils. Begin!

I went to the Jersey Shore yesterday and saw no Snookies or Situations

What's the difference between Wild Cherry Pepsi and regular Cherry Pepsi? Does Wild Cherry Pepsi have a drinking problem, and therefore, act more promiscuous then boring old Cherry Pepsi? If so, someone should really sit Wild Cherry down and tell it we're here for them and love them.

If you get sunburn the best way to treat it, is even more sunburn, followed by a battery of hand smacks and hot showers. It's the only way. You should feel better in no time.

Once, at Famous Dave's, four of us ordered a meal that comes delivered to you on a trash can lid. There is literally a whole chicken, a pile of fries, and a full rack of ribs on this thing, but... you're paying to eat food off of a trash can lid. You know homeless people are kicking themselves for not copy-writing the whole eating out of the trash thing before Dave got to it. Too bad the homeless have no understanding of legal ownership beyond peeing on something or biting someone if they get to close to their "stuff". I doubt that would hold up in court... "Your honor, my client clearly peed on that car first, showing full ownership".

Benjamin Franklin's selection to be on the $100 bill had nothing to do with his contributions to the founding of this country, his advancements in printing, it wasn't even because the whole kite and lightning thing. No, the biggest reason Franklin was picked to be the face of the hundred was this fact, that he seduced and slept with, one hundred women in a single night. He was the Revolutionary version of Wilt Chamberlain. So, the next time you drop a hundred, just think of Big Ben and his great accomplishments, in and out of bed.

Happy Day Of The Taco!

 

 

 Come celebrate, one and all, THE DAY OF THE TACO!

Remember our fallen Tacoian comrades, and all those young Tacos who fought, shell and beef, for Freedom, by listening to our new song Day of the Taco!

Working in the wonderful world of the internet, I've come across my fair share of computer illiterate individuals. Those folks who can't find the Any key or think of a monitor as the TV for the computer. Which is fine, some people just don't dig technology and never will. They do what the can to keep up, as the world evolves into a greater technological age. However, I have a bone to pick with a certain Russian bakery that produced this lovely wedding? cake to the right ....

Ok, so, on my extended time off from work I noticed a surprising new trend on the Food Network. They're on a mission to sex up their female hosted shows. So, not only do I feel extremely fat for watching a show completely dedicated to food, but I have to feel like a pervert because I'm a little turned on when the very attractive female host bends over with her not so subtle cleavage being thrown in my face like I'm at a 'Hooters'.

 

Now, don't get me wrong I'm very happy it's someone like Rachel Ray trying to pull off the "tight jeans and a tee" look, as opposed to say, Julia Childs a couple decades ago, but where does it end? Do we have a thong clad Paula Dean using a food processor in the near future to look forward to, just to promote Food Network's move to sex up their image?

As a wise Jerry Seinfeld once said, "There's good naked and there's bad naked". The host's attire isn't even the channel's biggest attempt at "subconscious erotica" it's more evident in their perfectly timed music and actions. Take Food Network's worst offender 'Everyday Italian', for example. I've never seen an episode where host Giada De Laurentis wasn't showing off some sort of cleavage, but more then that it's her actions.

On one episode, as Giada was sucking the left over powder sugar from her fingers, the camera goes to a close up of her as she closes her eyes in what looks like pure ecstasy, meanwhile there's this sexy jazz music playing in the background. At that moment, I, along with millions of other men around the country, certainly didn't have food on our minds anymore. You may be asking youself, "Justin why are you complaining? Who doesn't want a hot broad cooking for them?".

After the original shock wears off that people still use the word "broad" to describe women, I answer: maybe you're right. Why complain? I complain because I know it starts out innocently enough, with Giada in low cut tops but ends with a greased up, shirtless, and enraged Bobby Flay grilling everything in sight because he's taken too many steroids just to stay in shape for the image. Now it's after handful of tranquillizer darts, and multiple dead crew members later, you have to ask yourself, what was it all for? A few more numbers in the ratings? Now you tell me is that you want?